Evolutionary Links- Attachments

                                     MY JOURNEY FROM DENIAL TO ACCEPTANCE

Things weren't as smooth for me as apparently they are now for me. I don't feel pleasant and rather perturbed walking around with this frozen trauma inside me.  At times I feel that its writhing in my veins just like something spoilt- like vinegary milk.

The frozen trauma within me horrifies me and haunts me about the void in my life- my irreplaceable loss. "No one knows what it's like!'- the flashbacks, nightmares, images, dialogues!!! everything in a scattered form, coming back and forth just like a terrible picturesque dream.

To step back a few months for a moment, on Saturday, 8th April, 2023 as I was preparing myself to go for work I received a phone call from my dear mother that gave me the shock of my life.  She informed me about my dear father's critical condition. He met a heart attack and was on ventilator. As my parents live in  Lahore and I am in Karachi, me and my family  immediately took a flight and went to Lahore.

Immediately after landing at airport I went to the hospital and still in denial and pain, I got emotionally more dysregulated. Seeing him on oxygen supports, it was a devastating experience for me. I was broken from inside to see him unconscious and it  made me feel so helpless. The ever-smiling and handsome face that welcomed me with great zeal and fervor was motionless and expressionless. This unfortunate moment is so intact in memory that had so many feelings of FEAR  of unknown, anxiety, restlessness and stress. My beloved father, pillar of my life, my buffer was going through so much. I felt numb and met an extreme mental distress. Though still being hopeful or more I would say that I was going through denial, wasn't able to digest the fact and felt disconnected from the environment. 

And then that the day came that I dreaded the most on which my most adored and precious thing my father, Prof. Dr. Nasrullah Rana (E.N.T Surgeon) breathed his last peacefully in the morning hours on April 09, 2023,18th Ramadan,  at Punjab Institute of Cardiology (PIC) in the presence of his family. Still the day is so intact in my memory, the moments of fright and agony, and the view of dropping heartbeats on screen of ventilator, doctor informing me about  artificial medicines which  is giving him support otherwise his heart itself  doesn't have the capacity to pump blood. Those dialogues gave pinch and extreme hurt, though were a reality, but I wanted to escape myself from that bitter reality. 

We took him back to home, me being emotionally bruised and experienced life in a suffocating way. Had a trigger of severe headache and extreme nausea. People coming into that house for consoling me and family. They themselves in shock and it kept on hitting me hard that he is no more in my life. I was overwhelmed with emotions and drained of energy. I was in anger and shock state. I felt so weak and hopeless. And I didn't feel like talking to anybody. 

His ever-co-operative staff and employees supported me and family so much, that till now Iam so thankful to them. They prepared everything for his burial, gave him bath and did all the arrangements for his funeral. My dear husband as always a sense of strength for me. After the Asar prayers on that day I kissed him on his forehead, his face glowing and the rosy cheeks with fair complexion  looked even more beautiful that day, gave him for burial with a very heavy heart.  

Despite of the fact I am a resilient person but still I couldn’t avoid grief that comes with bereavement and wasn’t able to weather the storm by showing patience and compassion. As a clinical psychologist I knew that it was period of great stress on me, I have lost someone I really cared about, I first need to be patient to myself because healing takes time. My recovery took some time. 

The cycle incorporated shows the stages of grief one goes through when one goes through a trauma such as betrayal, loss of loved one etc. Most studies suggest that the intensely stressful first phase of grief usually begins to settle down after 6-12 months.

Initially one feels angry and in shock for trauma as I went through. The other phase is denial, when at psychological level we are not able to accept though in physical world the event has taken place and individual has witnessed it. Same happened with me as at psychological level that I  couldn’t recover. Having him in my dreams and the constant recall of his dialogues, his gestures of love and kindness towards me all seemed to be in an auto mode. All memories came on again and again. There was distress and tearfulness and seemed as if emotions came in waves or bursts that felt so over-whelming. 

Acceptance comes with a lot of effort. I worked hard on my coping capacities. For that, one needs to be patient. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, so don’t criticize yourself for anything you feel, even it seems irrational or undignified. I started processing my emotions as I do with my clients and educate them about the procedure to process. I tried to confront the pain and found ways to express my grief that suited my cultural traditions and my personality. I started journaling which really helped me a lot, a though I cried and suffered while doing it but was helpful. It allowed me to gradually settle into less stressful model, built around memories of the kind departed soul.  I found a new purpose by following the his left-over motives and worked on them. He as an ENT surgeon and had a goal to create awareness among people with reference to his profession, I made this my objective too. The relationships that he cared and loved in his life, I tried to compensate for his presence. He was a humanitarian and his most gracious service to the humanity was treating rich and needy equally without any discrimination. I made it my objective too. He was visionary yet vibrant doctor. The unique approach to life which he had,  I tried to translate  those accomplishments onto my virtues. I embraced positive and took mourning as a learning process and  gradually created a new life by making some goals.  

I eventually came back to Karachi with that emotional pain and started my work. I still remember that day at job and  the effort I had to masque my emotions of heartache while doing the session with my client. My dear colleagues coming to me for condolences gave me source of comfort. Starting work, played its role effectively to keep me away from low moods and depression. I am grateful for that blessing in my life.

Going through grief is just like Riding the Tsunami as the Canadian Psychiatrist Diane McIntosh. She used an analogy with grieving patients that she calls the “grief tsunami.” Bereavement hits us as a shattering blow, and after first impact, the pain tends to come  in various moments of my life like I have, my milestones in career, family gathering etc. These are the moments currently in my life relatively calm but punctuated by swells of stress and sorrow.

My dear father's sudden and untimely death shocked medical fraternity , family and friends. He was the founding member of Pakistan Society Otorhinolaryngology. He was Ex-Ravian Government College, Lahore( F. Sc Premedical) and  graduated from King Edward Medical College. Internationally known as Ear, Nose, Throat  Surgeon. He was Ex-Associate Professor King Edward Medical College, Ex-examiner KEMC, FJMC, RMC and AIMC. He served as technical advisor to Punjab Service Commission and appointed ENT specialist to Governor Punjab 1993. He held an integral role in SAARC association and presented Pakistan globally at International Conferences.

He delivered more than 1000 lectures on ENT on electronic media PTV and other channels for the awareness of ENT diseases. He received multiple awards in recognition of his devoted services in the field of ENT specialty. He established Rana Tower Hospital, Jail Road, Lahore and gave more than 30 years of his life for the treatment of humanity. He was a caring father, loving husband and skilled doctor 

 His patients and friends dearly miss him as he was always concerned at solving their problems. He was simple in nature  but always looked dashing with his choice of white color in wearing bespoke suits, elegant ties and leather shoes. 

My torment journey had the support of my family, friends, my respectable seniors and colleagues, I pay my gratitude to them  and  the ones who didn't prefer to do so, were the ones from I learnt so many things. 

He was an asset to the medical field of Pakistan. We greatly miss him. Love him beyond! May his soul rest in peace.  Ameen.