Evolutionary Links- Attachments

Seeds of Personality: Childhood Trauma

 

It was a chilly night, which was typical for a December post-evening in Lahore. As I walked down alone at Davis Road, I remember self-loathing myself. I was overwhelmed with emotions, my life completely upside down. The emotional baggage of being “rejected” almost at all dimensions of life: - work, intimate relationship and friends was destroying me from within. Feelings of insecurity and being unlovable, was making me shiver. Flashbacks of the past haunted me, my heart beating fast, and I was losing control. These bad memories merely comprised of complexes, neglect and abuse that had deep connection with my childhood. By birth my name was Shehroze Chughtai, but generally people called me an “Idiot.”

Stay tuned for my upcoming Reflection of Thoughts. I will develop the character of "Sheroze Chugtai" and how the toxic environment of home led him to be the typical case of "Complex Trauma". Will be scientifically proving it too !:).

Posted on 14 Aug, 2023.

So here I am again with proceeding of my thought and my fictional character. 

To understand childhood trauma, the few things to know about the structure of brain are to view its vital players. 

Brainstem: - respiration, balance, temperature.

Limbic system: - reward, memory, bonding, emotions (happiness, bonding)

The amygdala: - the brain’s fear center.

Pre-frontal cortex: - regulates cognitive and executive functioning of brain, including thinking, reasoning, judgment, mood and emotional regulation.

Hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis: - initiates the production of cortisol (longer-acting stress hormone) by the adrenal glands.

Sympatho-adrenomedullary (SAM) axis initiates the production of adrenaline and noradrenaline (short-term stress hormone) by adrenal glands and brain.

Hippocampus: - processes emotional information, crucial for uniting memories.

Noradrenergic nucleus in the locus coeruleus: - regulates mood, arousal, startle response etc.

When a child is born only brainstem is developed and child can use their 5 senses.  As we grow up our memories and experiences are stored in above mentioned parts of the brain. At birth, the mind is just like a clean slate, so if individuals go through constant neglect, abuse and stress, during childhood, it makes them vulnerable, and they are not able to regulate their feelings. The development of their co-regulatory system is poor and remains so growing up. Co-regulation is the ability to adjust emotions and behaviors to soothe and manage stressful internal sensory input or external situations, with the support and direction of a connecting individual.

 

 

 

                                                                    RRR

I am suffering and someone must be responsible- my inner and weak inside. My mind constantly and ghostly revisited by its own distressing memories and deep-seated anxieties. My mental schemas of negative view about myself, world and future had become sharpening force of memory on the construction of my identity.  The inner voices such as: -

“You are bad.”

“You are stupid.”

“You are fat and ugly,” always made relive my traumatic experiences.  My mind constantly haunted by its own distressing memories and deep-seated anxieties. My mental schema of negative view about self, world and future had become sharpening force of memory on the construction of my identity. I was not an active agent in my household but more like a ball passed between maternal and paternal families. I was only surrounded by darkness as my father was Alcoholic, gambler, womanizer and financially dependent on the almost depleted ancestral assets. He used to brutally beat me and my beautiful mother and tyrannize us. My father believed in being exclusively harsh and stern pedagogy of parenting and named it “firmness. “My mother was working day and night to make ends meet. I fell behind in my studies at school.

Constant stress, fear and futurizing developed in me as almost every day my parents fought. My mother leaving the house with me, going to maternal home and again coming back to my paternal home after somedays on the requests of my “Split identity” father.

As I grew up, I found myself more comfortable with disassociating myself from the non-conducive environment at home and started seeking pleasure at eating and reading. In particular, I felt myself deeply connected with “David Copperfield”, a novel written by Charles Dickens, in the Victorian Age. The stepfather of Davy- Mr. Murdstone was so similar to my biological father. The writings of Dickens had close similarity with me, while weaving the characters of children and their traumatic experiences in life. Using eating as my coping mechanism resulted in feeding myself on sweets, fizzy drinks and high-carb foods such as French fries and pizzas. I gained a lot of weight, and it further deteriorated my self-image.